The Boat Shopper’s Ultimate Questionnaire

By John Morris

It’s not a simple task determining which boat is right for you. Which is why the trained psychologists and researchers at the Crossing the Line Institute spent maybe 15 minutes building this questionnaire, which will align your needs and desires with the perfect boat. Just 10 questions, and if you achieve a score of 73 or better, you’re ready for a new boat! Congratulations.

1. How many friends do you have? I don’t mean just people you run into in the gym or in a parole officer’s waiting room, but real friends with whom you’d like to share life experiences. If it’s under two, forget a boat and buy a tandem bike. Can you name ten friends who are always up for an excursion on a sunny summer day and might bring a six-pack or a shrimp ring? If so, proceed directly to question 4.
2. Propulsion: rank these methods of boat propulsion from preferred to abhorred: gas power, rowing, wind, the power of a single sad sigh from a giraffe, diesel power.
3. What are your preferred activities that might transfer to your new boat? Stage illusions, gourmet cooking, exploring new places, trap shooting, equestrian.
4. What is your budget? Do you have kids in school? Do they really need Thursday lunches? Any long lost relatives looking poorly? If none of the above, then the calculation comes down to what can you afford. This is not a conversation we like to have.
5. How much do you know about boats? Do you have your PCOC card? Your AirMiles Card? Any birthday card from the past decade? With luck it hasn’t expired. If it has, you need to study, study. Snap question—what colour is a fairway buoy? If that isn’t on the tip of your tongue, go back to question 1—do any of your so-called friends know the answer?
6. Have you ever tied a bowline in the dark? Does the rabbit run around the tree clockwise or counterclockwise?
7. Would you name your boat Pier Pressure or Cod Father? If so, maybe it’s time to rethink this.
8. Candidly, how do you look in a captain’s hat? If coloured PFDs are allowed, would you stick with orange or try something braver like magenta. How about a SpongeBob and Patrick print? (Yes, they come in adult sizes! Well… maybe they don’t.) Have you ever been involved in a man-overboard situation? Was it on a boat?
9. Are you prepared to give up watching your children grow up, go to prom and get married if it means spending winters in the Caribbean? Do you find this question offensive? (Hint: it’s not).
10. Let’s briefly check your DIY skills. Do you own a full set of Robertson screwdrivers? Can you find any of them? Are they possibly in the basement but you’re not sure but if we hang on a minute, you’ll check? Maybe in the garage.

Last question. OK, so there’s 11, but who’s counting. Were you ever bitten by a boat as a small child? We sense you’re carrying some unaddressed trauma. Maybe it was this questionnaire.