Law & Order: Special Boating Unit
By John Morris
Photo By manas_ko – Shutterstock.com
In Lake Simcoe’s war on marine idiocy, the worst offenders are pursued by the detectives of the Specialized Boating Investigations Unit. These are their stories.
(Dun-dun!)
Charlotte: What’s with this new navigation screen, Chuck? I can’t get it working properly.
Chuck: Nothin’ to it, Charlotte. Just go below, flip the breaker, turn the big red switch to ‘both’, check the house battery voltage, turn on ‘instruments’, reset the autopilot and it comes on automatically.
Charlotte: I did all that but here, look at this…
Chuck: [gasps] What have you done? This is insane!!
(dun-dun!)
Rudder: Hi, I’m Spade Rudder of the Special Investigation Unit; this is Detective Louise Vuitton. What seems to be the problem?
Chuck: We’re in shock. The entire B-Dock is missing. Sail boats. Powerboats. Picnic tables. Colorful umbrellas. It’s all gone… [Chuck weeps, Charlotte tries to console him.]
(Later, in the Harbourmaster’s office)
Rudder: So, Mr. Harbourmaster Hammer, there seems to be a few things omitted in your logbook.
Hammer: I’ve always been a bit uneasy about Chuck. He cuts the crusts off his sandwiches and polishes his bright work far more than is right. But also, there’s the developer who wants to turn the whole place into a 96-storey condo.
Rudder: Does that explain how 31 boats and a barbecue are missing? Doesn’t add up.
(dun dun!)
Rudder: I can’t help thinking there’s something going on here, Vuitton.
Vuitton: Did you notice that there was a lot of empty KFC buckets in the harbourmaster shed? I’m suspicious.
Chief Inspector Coaming: You two had better make some headway on this case. I’m getting a lot of pressure from upstairs. You have three days.
(On their way to the investigation, Rudder and Vuitton stop for a gritty coffee and stale donut.)
Rudder: [gags on a fossilized cruller] Well, Louise, this is our job. We need to go into the darkest corners of the marina and find the truth.
Vuitton: But there are no dark corners. It’s 2 o’clock on a sunny afternoon.
Rudder: That’s 14:00, Vuitton. And remember, boating malfeasance never rests. And also, that’s a meme on detective shows, we cannot simply hide our heads and avoid it.
(Dun-dun!)
(Later, aboard Chuck and Charlotte’s boat.)
Rudder: So, Chuck, you claim you had nothing to do with this disappearance. Maybe a couple of days in the marine slammer will help you improve your memory…
Charlotte: [weeps into her mascara] Don’t take him away. I’ve already made lunch.
Little Chuckie (9-years-old): Hey, Mom. I am sick of fresh air and sunlight. I’m going down below to play computer games.
Chuck: Chuckie, you know we took away your games privileges after you punctured the giant inflatable riding seahorse.
Little Chuckie: Yeah, but I’ve been playing with your Navionics screen. It’s as much fun as Red Dead Redemption 2. You can blow up stuff and crash boats and everything!
Rudder: [appears thoughtful] And make whole docks disappear…
Little Chuckie: Yeah, cool!
(dun-dun!)
Vuitton: Well, Spade, we wrapped up that one. Little Chuckie will spend the next ten years in reform school and is banned from water skiing until he’s 70.
Rudder: Yes, but there’s always others. The boating world is filled with bad actors who would rather disobey no wake signs and carry insufficient lifejackets. There’s a lot more work to do. Let’s go grab a donut.
(theme out)
