The definitive boaters’ watch

Everyone wants one, no one knows quite why. Now there’s no need to guess; this is the watch for every boat person.


By John Morris

Everyone wants one, no one knows quite why. Now there’s no need to guess; this is the watch for every boat person.

Check these indispensable features:

A – Tunes. What use is a piece of boat equipment that doesn’t incorporate music?  However, for size reasons this one only contains a single song – for this year’s holiday season, that’s Mariah Carey. Enjoy.

B- Flare gun. Shoots mini flares. Fun at parties but questionable for emergency purposes.

C –   Depth gauge.  Highly sensitive to account for water levels that rise and drop without warning. Integrated fish finder also helps to retrieve keys, winch handles, missing coolers, MOBs etc., etc.

D – Nautical motif on the watch band means that a chandlery can retail this watch for a thousand dollars when a comparable watch that doesn’t target boaters goes for $50.

E- Wind direction indicator with metaphorical option.  Knowing which way the wind is blowing is critical for docking as well as for many aspects of sailing. On the other hand, “knowing which way the wind is blowing” can save marriages. For example, ‘shall we go to my parent‘s or yours for Boxing Day?’ could endanger your marital harmony, but this wind indicator makes it pretty clear that you are going to your spouse’s family dinner. For the festive season, the indicator arrow flashes alternately green and red indicating that you better smarten up.

F – Navionics screen shows where you are headed. Option allows planning for winter cruise route in Grenada.

G – Recipe book for cruising lunches or midnight snacks. The cocktail recipes section includes a Hangover Cure Guide plus instructions for making tiny umbrellas.

H- Several small buttons that do various things – reset race timer, turn on backlighting, turn off the thermostat, switch to Antarctic time zone. Unfortunately, they are not marked, and no one can remember what each does.

I – Tiny but incredibly resilient, thanks to space arm twisting technology, hi-strength towing line.  Suitable for pulling a distressed vessel (small), or a pyramid of very thin water skiers

J – Emergency Whistle

K – more nautical motif – see D

L – USB-Type C connection for use in European Union countries

M -Ships wheel decorated secondhand adds yet more nautical motif. Anchor design watch hands show that you care. Also, see D

N – We’re not sure. These additional dials and apps are obviously important indicators of something. Possibly the one with the cloud has something to do with weather. Check the manual. Wait, I’m being told there is no manual.  Well, good luck.  And Merry Christmas.

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