Crossing the Line: Docking with Your Spouse

By John Morris

Illustration by Mike Mockford

Need a challenge? Docking is it. To assist boaters with this daunting undertaking, we have worked with a team of kinesiologists to create a simple off-sea­son practice exercise for couples who want to take the stress out of coming into their boat slip.

Here’s what you’ll need: a supply of masonry blocks, a skateboard, a shoe box, two hockey sticks, a tub of Becel, a dozen eggs, four Royal Doulton teacups and saucers, a hammer, a brass paper­weight and a bag of mini marshmallows. A small, high-powered industrial fan will be required. You also need to invite your know-it-all Uncle Marv, optionally Aunt Shirley, and two kids, 7 and 8 years old.

PREP

The simulation is readily set up in your home bathroom. Arrange the masonry blocks in an L-shape so the short side is exactly 4 per cent wider than the width of the skateboard. On the open side of the L, place the four teacups—they will repre­sent the boat in the adjacent slip to yours. You have created your suitably narrow “mooring slip”.

In the shoe box, place the dozen eggs (loose), the hammer and the brass paper­weight. This represents everything in the boat that could move around during dock­ing. Tape the box with its contents to the skateboard. This adds both un-steerable mass and significant vulnerability to the skateboard “boat” you are about to dock. Spread the hockey sticks evenly with Becel.

Next, affix mini marshmallows around the circumference of the skateboard. These are the “fenders”. Don’t worry about how many there are because they will almost certainly be in the wrong height and position. You’re ready.

EXERCISE 1:

Assign stations—one spouse at the helm, the other is deck hand. Using the hockey stick tips positioned fore and aft on the skateboard, communicate clearly to guide the “boat” into the slip being careful to be considerate and loving in your choice of words. If one spouse loses grip on the “buttered” stick handle, remain patient.

EXERCISE 2:

Turn on the fan and crank it up to create a loud 15-knot crosswind in the slip. Repeat the docking in exercise 1, being conscious of the volume and pitch of your commu­nication. Be aware of the irreplaceable high value of the teacups even though their owner isn’t present. Congratulations, damage is limited.

EXERCISE 3:

Remove the shower curtain and one spouse steps into the shower. Turn the water on full and don’t worry if the bath­room gets wet and slippery. The spouse in the shower, despite being less able to hear should be careful not to shout. The other spouse must be careful to remain rooted to the wet floor without losing focus. Repeat the docking while gradually turning the shower to cold.

EXERCISE 4:

Uncle Marv (and optionally, Aunt Shirley) join the exercise as “the people on the dock helping”. Marv continually helps by offering non-stop advice on every move either spouse makes while Shirley contra­dicts everything Uncle Marv says. If they agree to some loud bickering, that can be helpful. This practice trains the spouses to ignore extraneous yelling and provides a perspective on what they might become as the years go by.

EXERCISE 5 (GOLD LEVEL):

Now add the two guest children. Immediately prior to the docking, take away their iPads and then explain to them why 11 straight hours of screen time is enough and that they would be better off enjoying the boat and the nature around them. Ignore screams of “you’re the meanest parents ever” to concentrate on the hard walls of the dock slip and the del­icate breakables in the shoe box.

As you can well imagine, surviving this simulation exercise will help any couple to dock the real boat when spring arrives. Comparatively, it will be a snap!